Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
