Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Even DaVinci knew it was gay to draw the penis big. Thanks art history
he asked if i wanted their team name to be " Amandas angels" or " Fuk budies" either way an intermural softball team of all my hook ups from spring semester is just depressing. convenient but depressing
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Randomize
