and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
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Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
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I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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