how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Randomize
