i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i justawanted to let you know that illi aalways be thwew for ui and o qill waasag youer dog whenebvet u wsnt
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
