she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
