If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
