Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
