Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Randomize
