whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Randomize
