I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
Randomize
