It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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