Whats the glycemic index on semen?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Can you dump a guy for having pierced nipples or is that shallow?
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