My nipple is on Facebook.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
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I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
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