I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I guess that's what I get for clicking on a link that says clown penis.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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