His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
