So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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