Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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