you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
