come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Randomize
