I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
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