nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Define "chronic" masturbator.
So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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