That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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