Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
I showed him my bush... on skype.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
