but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Randomize
