I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Randomize
