I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
