I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
