A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
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