I puked a lego.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
