Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
did you just send me my own nude
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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