why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
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