Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
