my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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