if you like me you must not know who I am
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
