we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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