Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
