you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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