My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Randomize
