this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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