Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
