she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
Randomize
