I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
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