ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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