i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
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