Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
I'm two guys short from fucking the whole baseball team and one is gay. I will be successful by the end of this month.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I am never drinking with the goths again.
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Randomize
