I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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