Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
