I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
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