wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Randomize
