so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
who knew being a fake dominatrix could be so fun?
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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