and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
he shaved USA in his pubs
You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg
Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I pour the whiskey from now on
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