...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Sext me about skeletons
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
