MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
