That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
just found out that she named her cat after me.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
