And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Randomize
