im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
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