Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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