Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
