Haha no. But I cannot hook up with you anymore. Especially when you group text people.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
Randomize
