tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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