Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
pshh wine cellars. now if he has a tequila cellar whole different story
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
