She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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